Boundaries at Work: You Cannot Keep Pouring From an Empty Cup (And No, You Don't Need Everyone to Like You)

For the leaders who carry the team all day, take the problems home at night, and somehow still feel like they're not doing enough.

Can we have a little chat?

And before you get defensive, grab a coffee. This one might hit a nerve.

Are you the leader who says yes to absolutely everything, then spends the next three days wondering how on earth you're going to fit it all in?

The one who lies awake at 11 pm replaying a conversation with an employee, analysing your tone, their tone, what they said, what you said, and whether that slightly unusual look on their face means they're upset with you?

The one who receives a two-word email "Can we talk?" and immediately starts mentally preparing for the end of the world?

Or perhaps you're the leader who can identify every single person's problems, knows who's struggling, who's unhappy, who's overwhelmed and who's annoyed with whom.

But when someone asks how you're going?

"Oh, I'm good!"

Meanwhile, you're one mildly inconvenient email away from wanting to move to a remote island with no Wi-Fi.

If any of this sounds familiar, let's talk about boundaries.

Because I suspect you don't necessarily have a problem caring about people.

I suspect you've become so busy managing everyone else's feelings, expectations and problems that you've forgotten where their responsibility ends and yours begins.

And lovely human, you cannot lead everyone else effectively if you're slowly burning yourself into the ground.

You're the leader, not the emotional support department.

Somewhere along the way, many leaders start believing that being good at their job means being available, agreeable, understanding, accommodating and capable of solving absolutely everything.

An employee has a problem? You fix it.

Someone is unhappy with a decision? You question whether you should have made it.

Someone doesn't seem themselves? You wonder if you've done something wrong.

A team member is struggling? You take on their stress, their workload and, if we're really going for gold, their emotional wellbeing too.

Before you know it, you're doing your role and an unofficial emotional support service. And neither comes with enough hours in the day.

Let's be clear: caring about your people is a wonderful leadership quality.

But caring about people and carrying people are two very different things.

You can listen without fixing.

You can support without rescuing.

You can acknowledge someone's disappointment without making it your mission to eliminate it.

And you can allow another adult to experience an uncomfortable emotion without assuming it's your job to make it go away.

Not every problem needs you to solve it. Not every feeling needs you to manage it. And not every difficult day someone has is yours to carry home.

Your job is to lead people, not stress your body out attempting to control another humans harmony… thats theirs to balance.
To often we try and make big emotions go away, why… its ok to feel emotions infact its healthy, some times that person is calling you just to decompress, they actually don’t want you to do anything and they absolutely don’t want you staying awake at night thinking about it.

Is someone not happy with you… or is this a story you have told yourself?

This is where things get interesting.

Because for some leaders, the actual problem isn't saying no.

It's what happens in their head after they say no.

You decline a request, and suddenly you're questioning whether you were too harsh.

You hold someone accountable, and you spend the evening wondering whether they think you're a terrible leader.

You give constructive feedback, and when the employee seems quiet afterwards, you immediately assume you've damaged the relationship.

You receive a message that feels a little short, and suddenly you're conducting a full forensic investigation into punctuation.

Was that full stop aggressive? Why didn't they use an exclamation mark? Are we okay? Should I send another message?

Darling. It's a Tuesday.

Sometimes a short email is just a short email.

Sometimes someone is quiet because they're thinking.

Sometimes people disagree with you.

Sometimes someone is disappointed because they didn't get the answer they wanted.

And sometimes, yes, you might have communicated poorly or made a mistake. You're human. You can reflect, take responsibility and repair things when necessary.

But you cannot assume that every uncomfortable interaction means you've failed someone.

Not every feeling someone has about you is a verdict on your leadership or you as a person.

Read that again.

When you're desperate not to let people down, you can start interpreting ordinary workplace interactions as evidence that you've done something wrong.

You overanalyse. You second-guess. You seek reassurance. You soften decisions that don't need softening.

And the more you do it, the more exhausting leadership becomes.

Because now you're not just doing your job. You're also trying to control how every person around you feels about you.

That's an impossible job description.

You can control how you behave. You can communicate respectfully. You can make fair decisions, listen to feedback and own your mistakes.

You cannot control whether everyone likes those decisions.

And you don't need to.

The bit you might not want to hear: this may be a YOU problem.

Now, stay with me here, because I'm saying this with love.

If you're constantly exhausted by other people's reactions, continually worried about disappointing people, and spending your evenings replaying conversations, it might be time to look beyond the behaviour of everyone around you.

It might be time to look at your own patterns.

Are people genuinely asking too much of you, or are you struggling to say no?

Are people constantly making you responsible for their feelings, or are you automatically assuming responsibility for them?

Are your employees expecting you to fix every problem, or have you unintentionally trained them to bring you every problem because you always take over?

Are people actually upset with you, or are you interpreting uncertainty as rejection because you desperately want to be seen as a good leader?

These are not accusations. They're questions worth asking.

And sometimes, the answers are uncomfortable.

Because it's easier to say, "My team takes too much from me," than it is to acknowledge, "I struggle to set limits, and I keep agreeing to things I don't have the capacity to do."

It's easier to say, "People are too sensitive," than it is to recognise, "I feel responsible for keeping everyone happy, and I don't know how to sit with someone being disappointed in me."

Of course, sometimes workplaces genuinely have unreasonable demands, poor management practices or employees who disregard boundaries. Not every problem is yours to own.

But where you do have control, you need to be willing to look at your part.

You cannot change every person around you, but you can change the patterns that are burning you out.

That is not about blaming yourself.

It's about giving yourself some power back.

So, how do you start setting boundaries without feeling like a terrible person?

You start small. You practise. And you accept that it may feel uncomfortable before it feels natural.

1. Stop giving an immediate yes.

You don't need to answer every request on the spot. Try, "Let me check my priorities and come back to you." This gives you time to make a considered decision instead of an anxiety-driven one.

2. Separate what is yours from what isn't.

Ask yourself: Is this my responsibility to solve, or is it my responsibility to guide someone through solving it? Those are very different things.

3. Let people have their feelings.

Someone can be disappointed in your decision without you needing to reverse it. Listen, be respectful and consider their perspective. But don't confuse their disappointment with proof that you've done something wrong.

4. Challenge the story you're telling yourself.

When you receive a short message or someone seems unhappy, pause before assuming the worst. Ask yourself what you actually know, what you're assuming and whether there's another reasonable explanation.

5. Stop taking work home in your head.

You may not be able to stop a thought appearing at 10 pm, but you can practise not turning it into a two-hour internal meeting. If something needs action, write it down for tomorrow. If it doesn't, remind yourself that worrying about it tonight won't necessarily improve tomorrow's outcome. Put on a guided meditation.

6. Build a team that takes responsibility.

Give people clear expectations, the tools to do their jobs and opportunities to solve problems. Don't automatically jump in at the first sign of discomfort.

7. Accept that being a good leader sometimes means being misunderstood.

You can communicate well, act fairly and make a sound decision, and someone may still disagree. Reflect when necessary, learn when appropriate and don't abandon your judgement simply because someone isn't thrilled.

And if these patterns feel deeply ingrained, give yourself permission to seek support, whether that's through a mentor, coach or another trusted professional. You don't have to work through everything alone.

You deserve to switch off, too.

I want leaders to hear this.

You can care about your employees and still have an evening that belongs to you.

You can support your team without taking every problem home.

You can make decisions without needing everyone to approve of them.

You can be a compassionate leader without sacrificing your own wellbeing to prove it.

And you can be a genuinely good person even when somebody is disappointed in you.

Your team needs you to be present, thoughtful and capable of making good decisions. It does not need you to be emotionally available every minute of every day, nor does it benefit from a leader who is so depleted that they have nothing left to give.

Boundaries aren't selfish. They're part of creating a sustainable way to lead.

And sometimes, the most important boundary you need to establish isn't with your employees at all.

It's with the part of yourself that believes you must keep everyone happy to be good enough.

You don't.

You were never going to be everyone's cup of tea. And honestly, who has the time to be brewing tea for the entire office anyway?

So tonight, when you're tempted to replay that conversation for the fourteenth time, ask yourself:

Have I acted fairly? Have I communicated respectfully? Is there something I genuinely need to address?

If the answer is yes, take the appropriate action.

If the answer is no, perhaps it's time to let yourself off the hook.

You have a business to lead, a life to live and a nervous system that could probably do with a bloody day off.

You don't need to carry everyone to prove you care.

You don't need to say yes to prove you're a good leader.

And you certainly don't need everyone to like you to be effective at what you do.

Lead with heart. Set your boundaries. Let other adults take responsibility for their part.

And for goodness' sake, go to bed.

The email can wait until tomorrow.

— The Culture Architect